As the Junior Doctor’s dispute progresses to an even greater level, we will continue the theme of a number of our recent blog posts and focus on the subject of conflict in everyday practice.
We all have disagreements from time to time and it is important to distinguish constructive engagement which resolves differences from toxic conflict which can escalate, damage relationships and impair performance. The former should be encouraged. The latter must be carefully managed when it arises, or there is the risk of even greater difficulties developing. Ideally we should avoid getting into such situations. Although we can never be entirely responsible for the reactions of others, it is important to recognise that carelessness in our own communication can be the trigger.
Here are a number of ways that we may inadvertently cause conflict to become toxic.
The caustic opener
“Well that’s just great, isn’t it!” “This is just ridiculous”. “What on earth made you do that!”
Unnecessary, inflammatory statements can raise the temperature and can initiate conflict. In some cases, the words themselves may be perfectly innocuous and it is the tone of our delivery that is the problem. The caustic opener includes the sarcastic monologue, and when we allow our rational argument to degenerate into a rant.
Misplaced assumptions
In this case we are guilty of incorrect mind-reading. Though the words may, or may not be spoken aloud, our internal voice may be feeding us erroneous information: “You think it’s my fault”; “You want to do it because you just want X” or “You want to hold me to ransom,” and we react negatively in response.
Everything, everywhere, for ever
“It’s always like this.” “The whole system is completely useless.” “None of this will ever work.” All-encompassing statements with buzz words such as ‘everything’, ‘never’ and ‘always’ may not be the most direct conflict triggers. However, they rarely add anything to help us resolve the source of our frustrations and are, in fact, far more likely to encourage others to respond in a negative or contradictory manner.
Personal labelling
“This is you all over.” “You’re so stubborn.” “You people have absolutely no understanding of what we need.” None of us likes to be judged negatively by others, inappropriately grouped with others or stereotyped. The use of ‘you’ directly personalises any situation which, in turn, can lead to increased likelihood of escalation.
The blame game
“Now look what you made me do.” “You’ve made me late.” “What have you done with the patient record?” The blame statements, which are generally unhelpful, can be particularly problematic when the receiver has had no direct impact in their perception – for example, they may not have had any contact with the patient record.
Exaggeration
“What a disaster!” “This is impossible!” “They’re going to be furious when they hear about this!” Exaggeration raises the stakes and may unnecessarily add fuel to the flames. The opposite, where we dismiss someone’s genuine concerns as trivial can be equally problematic: “It’s just one patient.” “It doesn’t really matter.”
Ying versus Yang
At times we may just be expressing ourselves with a different viewpoint or even just with different language from others: “It’s yet another cut in a whole series of cuts,” versus “This is the next step in our efficiency programme to optimise our limited resources.” It is possible for us to be seeing different sides of the same coin and for our use of language lead to escalation. We can actually find ourselves ‘violently agreeing’ with the other party, just because we are using buzzwords which the other finds annoying! We may actually be close to wanting the same outcome but can’t hear it clearly.
The hangover
“I’m really annoyed. I had a terrible morning. There wasn’t enough staff on and the computers went down and there were some really awkward patients and the queue in the canteen meant that I haven’t had my lunch and………” At times we can be like the cartoon character with a dark cloud over our head, taking our bad mood with us from one situation to another. We may not actually say anything, but the dark vibe can be palpable and put others on edge, affecting the manner of their communication to us.
Keeping on digging
“Oh, you made a mess of that. Sorry, I mean you looked a bit out of your depth. Not that I would have expected you to be able to do it. I don’t mean that’s got anything to do with………” Sometimes, carrying on can just make it worse.
‘Irreconcilable’ differences
At times we have quite opposing needs to another person: “I can’t work with music on” versus “I need music to help me relax”; “I can’t stand the heating at this level” versus “I’m too cold”; “We have to deal with X before we consider doing Y” versus “We must address Y as our top priority.” Describing our differences in absolute terms such as ‘can’t’, ‘must’, ‘will’ or ‘won’t’ can lead the other person to adopt the position of competitive oppontent. We really want toopen the path to problem solving collaboration.
Combinations of any of the triggers above can make them even more potent.
Consider recent events when you have found yourself in frustrating, unhelpful disagreement with a colleague. As mentioned earlier, we cannot be responsible for the behaviour of others. We can, however, recognise the impact that our own actions may have on others and learn to adapt our communication accordingly.
How many of the above triggers do you recognise in your own behaviour? What can you do about it?
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